Thank you SF & BAY AREA for relaxing times.
We just got to Florida and it feels very different here. Leading up to this point I felt alarmingly calm about surgery. Excited even. Now it’s here, I feel an overwhelming sense of grief in my heart. I wish that I could have enjoyed being in my own body, without any hormones or surgery. (I don’t have that overwhelming wish to have been born a cis-male, nor do I regret my path leading up to this point.) I have pinpointed this grief as the guilt and sadness of not appreciating the way I was born. Of not appreciating my body and my chest. Of making mountains out of my molehills. At some point I began feeling ungrateful…for not just accepting the gift of two arms and legs and a regularly beating heart. But it’s more than that. I have to forgive myself for wanting to change my ‘natural self’. Wearing a binder is restricting, sweaty and makes me feel weird. And not wearing a binder gives me so much anxiety, it isn’t an option. So I have to go down this path. Expensive, disrupting and finally here.
This is my pursuit of happiness. It is no one’s path but my own. And there’s always that risk that I might still feel uncomfortable in my own skin; then what?